love?

 What’s love to you?

To me, it’s a feeling of comfort, and support…something that heals me whenever there’s a problem. Something that gives reason for the hatred there once burdened my heart to leave.

…overtime though, love became something else. It was a solution for validation, feeling less lonely, and just feelings of convenience. 

There was a guy I liked, and I realized the longer that I ‘liked’ him, the longer he stayed as a convenience in my mind. You see, the more time passed, I wasn’t able to differentiate whether it was ‘love’ or just something I clung onto.

Telling people that this guy is my crush, this is the guy I liked for a long time – gave me a sense of pride. He wasn’t brag-able, he did nothing that could give me the power to show off. He wasn’t special, a normal boy who was extremely smart and had a common name. But to me, he was someone I couldn’t let go, someone who I could use as proof for ‘loyalty’ or to hold onto my competitive side, ‘I liked someone longer than you’.

Never would I have thought, that after 6 years, he’d still be appearing in my mind.

“I miss ______.”

No, I don’t. I said it too much last time and now I find that as an excuse to be sad when I’m feeling down.

“I wanna see ______.”

His name is repetitive in my mind. I held onto his name for so long that the 6-letter word was something I resolved to find whenever I was feeling negative. I’d type his name on the calculator, a habit that is engraved into my fingers when I get a hold onto the scientific calculator. It was only natural for me. Didn’t do math, actually hated math, but when it came to his name, I’d press all sorts of random buttons to see his name.

You know, he never actually liked me back. To others, he led me on, played with me, and forced me to be attached to him. To him, I was probably someone who couldn’t let go of him, someone he could come to when he was bored. But to me, the middle person in all of this…I loved him. No matter how many tears fell because of his name, no matter how much anguish I had because of him, and no matter how shameful it was to love him. I loved him.

I’m lying actually. I don’t love him, I love the feeling of saying I love someone. I love the feeling of attention. To grasp, to know that someone wants me to look at them, to know that someone won’t forget me.

I can’t say that I love him now, since there is nothing to love. 

There’s this quote, that every time I see it, I’m reminded of him.

‘Do you really love this person? Or did you fall in love with the image of him?’

Did I? Is the version in my head of him fake? Someone who replies in only short messages, someone who would peek at me every time I was there, someone who I loved for so long that my entire teenage years are about him?

I only remember talking about him, again and again. He was once my only conversation starter and ender. The only thing that would come out of my mouth, was him…but when it came to talking to him, my lips would shut tight and my body would be frozen. Those are my memories of him.

He’s one of my biggest examples of love. But let’s not talk about romance still. 

I have a group of friends, a specific number of friends that you can count with both of your hands. I love the 10 of them. 

So let’s go back to the topic. love? What is love to you? To me, love varies. From friendships, relationships to family, I love them all. I cling onto them, and attach to them because they have become my comfort people. Comfort, finding comfort in those who you hold dearly to your heart. Adoring the existence of those around you. I think that’s love. I find that love. 

Having platonic relationships that you can count on when you’re in need. A simple text and you won’t feel alone anymore. Someone to talk to, eat with, rest with. That feeling where you know you have assurance that you’re not alone. I hate being alone. I think that’s love. The admiration, respect, and the urge to take care of someone.

Sitting in a coffee shop with friends just studying and talking, eating good food with each other, laughing at dumb experiences. Those little moments build up the feeling of love. And the same goes for romantic relationships.

But the attachments are different. You can go for a whole day without texting a friend, but when it comes to romantic, that love and urge to talk to them 24/7 never goes away. 

Maybe because I still have a lot to learn and experience, maybe because I’m still so immature that my mind is all over the place. But the feeling of love replaces the feeling of loneliness for me. Regardless of whether they’re just friends, family, or lovers – I need them for my survival and comfort.

What do you think of love?